My family has fallen apart. I need advice from an outsider *long*?

Where do I start?





I am 22 years old, have an 18 month old daughter, engaged to my fiance of 7 years. I always had trouble with my family and that is why I moved out at such a young age.





I have an older sister that moved out at 15. She is currently 24, addicted to drugs, alcohol, and currently going through court for fraud. She has done things like stolen my money, verbally and physically abused me etc. I have forgiven her way too many times and we became closer each time I let my guard down. It always ends up with me feeling hurt again.





I have been ignoring her calls for the past few months now because I want to protect myself and my daughter. I wouldn't let a stranger come around who had the same qualities, so why should I just because it is my sister. She calls here everyday leaving messages saying ';what did I do??'; I told my Mom that unless she gets help, I want no relationshoip with her but she still treats me like I am coldhearted because I won't let my sister come over to visit my daughter. I know it is my decision and I am firm on it. Something inside of me is eating me up like I should feel guilty. No matter how right I know I am, my Mom seems to still inject guilt on my mind. My Mom says things like ';oh well if she died tomorrow, you would live the rest of your life feeling guilty';.





Maybe I just need some insight because I feel very depressed from this whole situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.My family has fallen apart. I need advice from an outsider *long*?
Hi, DON';T LET YOUR MOM CHANGE YOUR MIND!!! You are absolutely right!! Tell your sister what she has done. TELL her that when she goes through treatment and has been sober for an acceptable amount of time MAYBE you will allow her to come around. You are setting your boundaries and practicing tough love. GREAT!! Enabling her like your Mom seems to be doing will NEVER show her the need to make any changes in her life. I'm proud of you!! Have your Mom look at this site: http://www.ehow.com/how_2083740_stop-ena鈥?/a> Also: http://www.egetgoing.com/drug_addiction/鈥?/a> AND: http://joy2meu.com/tough_love.htm. On this site read the section titled ';Enabling %26amp; Rescuing vs Tough Love';. It would be good for you to read these things to reinforce to you that you are doing the right thing and it would be imperative for your Mom to read them so hopefully, she will see what she is doing is not acceptable! I hope you can work through it...just don't let ANYONE tell you you are wrong. You have the right to included and exclude anyone that is unacceptable to be around your family. Like you said, you wouldn't let anyone else in that condition come around. GOOD LUCK!! JOSAMy family has fallen apart. I need advice from an outsider *long*?
Does she want to see your daughter? If so, good. Get your family together, give her an intervention, and tell her... If she wants to see her niece, she has to get clean first. If not, bye-bye.
Don't do what your mother says. You have your own family to watch out for and your fiance and daughter should be priority 1.
YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!!! Ignore ALL KINDS OF CONTACT FROM HER!!!!





Look, your first priority is your daughter and yourself. Your drug addicted, drunk and criminal sister IS BAD NEWS!!!!!! Your mother should be of the same opinion!
You need the tender hands of a tomato.
just tell them
She needs psychological help, and needs to get on an antidepressant and maybe a anti psychotic medication of some kind. What she needs is a counselor through like a church based organization or somewhere like a church. She sounds like she just needs to get stronger and get a job and go back to college to be a nurse or something that works like in education or in heath care. She sounds like she is the type of individual who can't keep a job. She really needs to get psychological help and to get assigned a counselor. I would maintain a low profile with her, and a lot of people if they were in your shoes would maintain a low profile also. Good luck...
You can't help her until she tries to help herself. My mother is like this. She will use you to get what she wants and then get mad and cry when you call her out on it. Right now she owes me $500 and she thinks if she doesn't call me for a week I'll forget about it and everything will be okay next week. I think you are making the right decision by not letting your sister see your daughter. Maybe she will want to get to know her niece bad enough and she will get clean and sober. Good luck...I know what it's like to have family problems.
I am on your side completely and I applaud you for standing by your convictions! You are in the right here. Don't let your mother or sister or anyone else make you feel guilty. Your sister, sorry to say, is a big loser! With a capitol L. And she knows it. She knows she has to make you feel guilty so she can try to manipulate you and she knows that's the only way. Otherwise, she wouldn't try it.


Show them how strong you are and stand firm. Change your phone number too. That always sends a strong message.


Good luck!!
hi hon,





first off, the way i am reading your question is, is you have a boyfriend who loves you and a child who loves you and that's all that matters the most. a good family of your own.


now comes your sister ! your sister has to help herself if she wants to have a better life, because no one can change a person unless themselves. so if she is pressuring you for help and you can't give it, it's not your fault and don't blame yourself for other peoples problems and do not listen to your mom. she just likes to hurt other peoples feelings. i know it's your family and you love them, but you need to fend for yourself and just say to yourself that you did the best you can and tell them not to bother you and put your foot down. if she keeps bothering you and your family, get a protection order on her. you, your daughter or boyfriend don't need her when there is drugs around.


so that is my advice to you dear. so rock on baby and smile. keep your chin up. lol !
I agree with the last post from Ashley--





You do need to protect your family FIRST.





However I do not feel you should put her out of your life all together. For whatever reason she keeps coming back to you and it's when she NEEDS you most. I know she hasn't been the best sister to you but you need to continue to be there for her. It may take getting your whole family together to help her. Maybe you need to call her up and meet her somewhere to talk. Just YOU and her. And tell her that she has to make some SERIOUS changes in her life in order to be apart of your family again. You can tell her that YOU are still there for her though. Does this make sense? I feel you have every right to keep her away from your family, for their protection. Especially with drugs and things that that involved. Your daughter doesn't need to see her Aunt like that. And remind your sister this is why. Maybe you don't feel it's your responsibility to be there for her anymore, especially the way she has treated you. Trust me I totally understand. But I really feel from what you wrote that she really does NEED you and it could possibly be a good thing if you can convince her to make these changes in her life. Good Luck--
Honestly, your Mom is wrong and you are right and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your sister choose her way of life, you didn't force it on her. She made her bed and now she has to lay in it. Sister, brother, whatever, I don't want a liar, a thief, a drug addict or a would be criminal anywhere around me or my children. Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice shame on me. There are no second chances in life, you screw me over once and you will never get a second chance. It seems like your Mom is in denial and is condoning your sisters horrible actions and behavior. If she died tomorrow it would be a blessing to her and her family, everyone would be better off with out that burden of responsibility and feelings of guilt every time she calls with another sob story. If she really cared about her family so much why is she doing what she is doing to them? Why won't she go to rehab and get help, why is she trying to make you think what she is doing is right or normal? Get married, be happy, leave the baggage behind. Worry about you, your husband and your child. Take care of Mom, she may be in denial, but it still isn't her fault. You have no control over your sister or her actions or her life, so you can't feel guilty about something you have no control over and didn't cause. Stick to your guns and don't fall for the sob stories and guilt trips. Maybe doing a stretch in jail will get her off the drugs, maybe. I still wouldn't trust her, jail just teaches you more bad stuff it doesn't really rehabilitate anyone.
NO.


*YOU* should not reject your sister that is family, that is your blood. key word being you. you might want to keep her away from your daughter and your fiancee, thats fine. but you dont kno how much hurt and pain it is to have your family abandon you. dont give up on her. my mom is on drugs and i will never shun her just because of that. think about it.
ARHHHHH WHY DO PARENTS ALWAYS COME OUT WITH THAT ONE LINE ';if they died tomorrow you'd feel guilty about it';.





I'm sure theres some bad parents school they go to when we are babies and they are told to come out with that one line when all else fails.





Seriously though, you are completely doing the right thing not letting your sister come round to your house.





You have a beautiful daughter who means the world to you. What is to say your sister comes round and drops some type of drug on the floor accidentally and your child picks it up ?





You should never have drug addicts or alcoholics around your children.





And as for your feelings, you need to step away from this sister until she is clean.





If she's not in your life you are happier, and a happier mummy makes for a happier baby.





DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about what your mum has said, stand up and be strong and say you will not have a drug addict around you or your child EVER.





Take care
Please dont feel guilty. It is important that you keep your sister close but not too close. Know your boundaries with her. Go ahead and still communicate with her but tell her that you love her so much that you wont really do anything with her( for example her coming to see your beautiful baby) untill she gets help. Ignoring your sister completley wont help. Encourage her she can get thru her mess. Just dont let her mess interfere with your life. Be happy and show her the love she needs. And I would love to leave you with this quote....


In order to see the rainbow, at first a little rain must fall.
I have a similar situation, but it's with my Grandmother and uncle. i know it doesn't seem so serious, but we're a very very close family. If your sister has done you wrong, and you feel that you do not want to be around her, then don't. I wouldn't want someone like that around my child either. That's why I have moved away from my family. Don't let anyone guilt you into speaking to her again. People are unpredictable and you never know what she may do, regardless of what relation they have to you. My grandmother has completely turned her back on me and allowed my uncle to steal from me and use drugs around me, my mother and younger sister. This is why I have had to move away and I'm only fifteen, not to mention three months pregnant. I will not be around anyone that I have feel has done me an injustice. Stay true to yourself, your child and your fiance. keep your own family safe first. Follow your intuition and Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
I understand how you feel, i would be saying exactly the same to protect my daughter.


Maybe you could meet up with your sister in a neutral place and tell her how you're feeling and tell her that you love her and you want to be part of her life and you want her to be an auntie to your daughter but she has to sort herself out. And until she does sort herself out you don't want to see her, talk to her or spend time with her. You have told her face to face what you expect from her then and the rest is up to her.


Hope everything works out. xx