Advice about moving on with family?

To cut a very long story short i have been with my husband for 6 years, and he was married previously and has a daughter. we also have 2 children. my hubby has some health problems resulting from a brain injury he suffered as a child which make him very vulnerable emotionally and he needs a lot of support from those close to him. after splitting from his former wife he moved to his home town (about 2 hour drive) and we met a year later. his daughter was then 3. i came on the scene at a really hard time, with my husband very depressed and his former wife taking advantage of his vulnerablities to get back at him. Although she petitioned a devorce she continued to try to get back with him, leaving messages about him ruining his daughters life by breaking up her family etc. After we got together this got worse and she made it hard for him to see his child. For the past 6 years I have supported him to fight and fight for proper contact. His daughter couldnt speak on the phone because apparently she has a phobia of it, but at one point we were sending fortnightly letters/cards to her for 3 years with no response. we never gave up, and eventually his former wife agreed to let us go down and see her when she was 7, but wanted us to wait 9 more months. My husband agreed but then suddenly she changed her mind and out of the blue took him to court to try to get a cessation of all contact order. this court process took 2 years and was so draining emotionally as my husband does not have the ability to deal with this sort of stress alone. The court recognised 'implacable hostility' and ordered contact where the mother was not to be involved in any contact because of her attitude. But by now she was 9 years old and it became apparent it was too late at these visits. I was not allowed at these visits and so my husband had to go alone. She told him face to face she did not want to see him and wanted to give his christmas presents back etc. She sent him a card too saying she had a new dad now and that she hated him and wanted him to leave her alone. She had been well and truly turned against him. My husband had only ever sent loving things to her, he even sent games she could play with her mums new partner because he didnt want her to feel she had to choose. He struggled immensly with the visits and began to get very down. I was finding it harder and harder to support him as we had got ourselves into financial debt to see the court case through, and lack of child care was making court appearances difficult, especially as each one was a 4 hour train journey each way. Our 4 year old was also picking up on things and becoming upset. His former wife refused to speak to him at all during proceedings which was so frustrating as we just hoped to talk things through and sort things out positively.


Eventually my husband agreed to not push contact, but did not want a cessation of contact order in place. He still hopes she will want to come and find him in her own time. Although this is now 'over' in a sense, I feel completely exhausted and so sad for my husband. He hasnt deserved any of this, and I cant believe a mother would manipulate her child to the point where she is upset through bitterness (as cafcass suggested). I dont know what to do with my feelings, it feels like we have been fighting and fighting for years, and I always believed if we kept going long enough she would come round but I couldnt have been more wrong. I feel sad that I have 'lost' the first few years of time with my own children because so much emotion was being poured into his daughter (letters, emails etc). I feel so lost and tired and just dont know what to do with myself. Has anyone else been through this sort of thing? It feels like all the effort has been pointless and I feel really sad it has ended this wayAdvice about moving on with family?
Well dont be.





You two hold your heads up high and look yourself in the eye in the mirror and know that you have done all that is humanly possible to keep contact with a very vulnerable child. You can do no more.





Not a single second of your trial to see her has been wasted.





The thing to do now is to write everything that you did and why in a long letter. Tell her how much she is loved and that one day it is hoped that she will come and find you. Tell her that if it had not been for her mother's ministrations then contact would have been there all the time. Let her know that no matter how many years go by that you will always be there, the door will always be open.





Then lodge this letter with solicitors so that it can be forwarded on to her when she becomes 18. What she then does is up to her.





It is depressing that your husband has been treated this way by his ex wife and sometimes there is just no explanation of why they do it - where the logic is.





But you cannot blame yourselves - you have both done all you can.





What you must now do is make up for lost time and make sure that you both give the attention to your children that has been a bit lacking of late. Make your own family feel valued and wanted.


Explain to them as they grow up about their father's first daughter but be careful not to be disparaging about the first wife - for they WILL repeat that one day. Let them grow up with the attitude that they will welcome this first daughter if ever she comes knocking on the door.





Whatever you do - dont blame the daughter he can no longer see.


She is but a child who has been cruelly manipulated.





I think the courts were incredibly cruel in that they would not let you see the girl as well - her mother has another partner and he has involvement with this child - so why shouldnt you?





Life can be very hard sometimes - but you both have acted absolutely correctly and out of love and you have no need to let this bury you beneath the weight of its injustice.





Support your husband and keep him hopeful. And just pray for the miracle of her picking up the phone one day and asking to come and see you.





I truly hope it all works out - for all of you.Advice about moving on with family?
hiya, you are a angel, not a lot of women would do what you have done.but you have got to close the book on her now,and hope when she is 16yrs,she will have a mind of her own and look for her dad.you and your hubby have got to put every think into your children,and hope they have not beem affected with all that they have missed out on.you are a loving family, and now is the time you start looking ahead,and having a great fun loving, loving time together,with nothink standing in your way.its sad about his daughter,but if she chooses to listen to her mum,when she gets older,there is nothink you can do about it.its her loss.she will be of age,were she should have her own mind.so who knows she might look her dad up.you can only hope she does.if not then there is nothink you can do about it. your children need you know.good luck.xx
I just wanted to say Pooh Bear's answer was spot on. Take her advice. It's awful that another mother can choose to use their child as an emotional part of her game. You have done everything you can. Maybe you would benefit from having some kind of counselling. I don't know where you live, but something like Relate in the UK can do family counselling.





Good luck