I'll be very grateful : advice on a difficult family matter?

i'm in a difficult situation. i had a fight with my parents, and left, for a more peaceful life, somewhere else. but my heart breaks when i see that, even though i'm away and safe, i can't help my mom.


she loves my dad so much, even though he cheated on her all life, and lied, never cared for anything else other than his money and business. He is very manipulating, and verbally abusive, but my mom still... never left him. He even asked my best friend once, to sleep with him. I got shocked, and after that, i left.


But my mom, she's facing a very deep depression, she's never happy, though she tries so much to be happy. she reads books about being happy, reads psychology all day. recently she had surgery and... i just ... don't know how to handle this. She keeps telling me to come there with her, my dad tells to come there too, but i can't. they both told me that she got ill because of me. my dad said that she'll die because of me.


I want to be with her only, but not with him. everytime i visit, i come back depressed and feeling damaged.


i chose to save my life, live peacefully with good, moral people around me, and i don't want to come back there. at all.





how could i ever help my mom, if she doesn't want any help? she is so depressed, she can't even dream for something better.





i feel guilty for letting her there alone, and helpless.


i don't know what to do, i'm not very experienced in life, i'm only 20, and still, living in this guilt every day.I'll be very grateful : advice on a difficult family matter?
First off, let me tell you I feel sorry for your situation - I'm in a very similar one. I'm 22, and have much experience in this as things were so bad my entire life, it was never ever good. I'm afraid the answer may be a little harsh, but this is life in a tainted families like yours and mine.





You said, 'i chose to save my life, live peacefully with good, moral people around me, and i don't want to come back there. at all.'





And this is the only one way out of this marsh. It may be hard for you, because both your parents will make you feel like you're obliged to do as they see fit. 1. Your mother. Unfortunately, she's one of those weak people that cannot stand up for themselves and are very quick to obey dumb egocentric pieces of %26amp;^%$ like your daddy. After some time of living such life she began to see it as something normal, and therefore, if somebody(you) doesn't agree to live this way, she sees that as 'something wrong', so she beckons you to go back, because right now she doesn't even recall what living a free life is like, she can't understand why you want out.





2.your father. well this is a pretty easy one, creeps like him want people in their grip, doing and living the way they want you to, they'll do anything to keep you in control, like making you feel guilty of your mother's condition, which is solely his fault, just like your situation, so whatever you do, DON'T EVER LISTEN TO HIM.





Now. 'how could i ever help my mom, if she doesn't want any help? she is so depressed, she can't even dream for something better'. This is where it's gonna be harsh. You can't help her, you can't liberate her. There's absolutely no hope for her to ever be happy and out. You know why?Because everybody's responsible for themselves. Others can aid you, can help you out, but tough life decision MUST be made by YOU and nobody else - like you right now. Listen to this - the only happy ending in this story is you realizing you are only responsible for yourself, just like your mother was once when she made a decision to accept these chains she wrapped around herself, and leaving this home forever, not ever coming back. Trust me, this is the only single happy ending. DON'T take your father's guilt he tries to scrap on you, don't listen to your mother's cries for help, because they are misaddressed - the only person ever able to help her was herself, but now it's too late.





Don't do the same mistake as your mother once did - decide not to rid your life of your father. One day it's gonna be too late for you as well. And something tells me it's not gonna be in years, either.





I'm not heartless. I love my mother too, but I realized the truth after following many, many false hopes. Life IS every man for himself.





If you want to talk, just e-mail me, as this is a rather complicated matter, and I know I can help you.I'll be very grateful : advice on a difficult family matter?
It is in no way your responsibility to take on the choices your parents have made. They are making you feel ';depressed and damaged.'; As a parent it is their responsibility to raise you up in the way that you should go, to be a good, strong woman. I commend you for leaving such a terrible situation.


I disagree 100% with how they are blaming this all on you. As a parent, I have learned to blame myself first for situations and then look around to see how they got a certain way.


The only thing I can offer as advice is to sit down with your parents and really let out how you feel, holding nothing back. Have a ';pow-wow'; as we say around here. Your parents need to see that their behavior is causing YOU, their child to feel such guilt for the way they choose to live their own lives and it's not fair. Tell them how selfish they are.
Well, as difficult a situation as this sounds like for you, you had to get out because being it was affecting you in a bad way. Your mother is an unfortunate victim of this man's behaviour and her love for him is causing you to be driven away, which is likely a reason for her depression.





Ultimately, as much as you love your mother, you have made her understand your situation - If you haven't, then you should - and she is unwilling or unable to change. It's not selfish to do what is best for you, if it means that you can live your life in a good, moral, healthy way.





Hopefully one day your mother will get out of the situation.
I have had similar life experiences to yours and have really benefited from 12-step work in the Co-Dependents Anonymous program. I would encourage you to check out CoDA or other 12-step groups that may be appropriate for you (maybe ACA--adult children of alcoholics). These groups are filled with people who have had difficult or abusive upbringings learning to make positive lives for themselves--including having more positive relationships with difficult relatives when that's possible. You can't change your family, but you can learn ways of dealing with the situation so they don't `get' to you.
i appreciate that you want to be of comfort to your mom. niether one should be putting guilt trips on you though, that's not fair. no one is going to die because of you. you need to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. you can visit and call your mom for support and be cordial to your dad. don't feel guilty - you can't take depression away from your mom. only she can do that. whether she has been living waiting for your dad to make her happy or for you - she will never find it through anyone else. you could suggest counseling to her though. that might be helpful.