There are different ways that you can handle this situation.
You've already tried your husband telling his family to call first before they start driving over. This would have been the best choice and unfortunately your husband blew it.
The next step is up to you.
Answer the phone first, if you know that they are calling. Make plans on the spot for your family; going out to the park, shopping for clothes/food, visiting a friend...whatever and that you won't be home. Even if it happens or not.
Make plans to visit them instead at another time. Mention that you would like to plan ahead as it is something you prefer to do so as to not impose.
(Indirect message to them).
His family probably sees their visits as a family gathering and feel that your husband welcomes it because he expects it. Ask your husband if he would like to visit his family more often - is he missing them?
Point out to your husband that when you fight, it's because of the same exact reason all the time; that the family comes over without enough time for you to prepare emotionally/physically and to set up the house for guests.
He needs to know exactly what your reasoning is for not allowing out of the blue visits.
Let him know how uncomfortable you are and why - and it is OKAY to let the family know that you're not comfortable with their unannounced and sudden visits. How else will they learn to respect this value of yours?
You value your privacy, your time, and your control of who is allowed into your home.Need some advice for totally different family than I am use to...?
I would sit down with everyone involved and just tell them how you are feeling. Tell them that you want to be at your best when they come over and that when they give you no notice it gives you no time to prepare for their arrival. Also let them know that you and your husband need your privacy and that while you enjoy the time you spend with them it's important you the two of you to spend time alone as a couple. If you are honest with them they hopefully with listen and get the hint to call first and ask if it's ok.
You both need to sit down and make a solid rule about comming over unannounced or whenever they want. It should be that if they don't call ahead of time (a day) then tell them sorry, but they are not welcomed and they need to find something else to do. What they are doing is rude and they have no consideration to what you may be doing that day or care if you have plans that day. You have the right to your space and time.
unless they are rude jerks, what's the problem? of course he is blaming you! your the one who wants them to call first. does it bother you soo much that it is worth fighting over? if you don't want to deal with them LEAVE!! eventually they'll get the idea...or wouldn't it be better to stop trying to control the situation and just try to act like FAMILY...
I know this fight seem worth fighting over, but honestly its not. When they come over. LEAVE!! That will show them how you feel and honestly its call some consideration on their part. I mean what if your house isnt clean. How do you have time to clean it if they are on their way. If you husband thinks he is definding them he isnt ...he is just making them look dumb.
His being defensive is stemmed from not knowing how to put his foot down that will not offend his family. You guys really got to work this out as it is inconsiderate.
answer the door in your sleaziest lingerie and tell them your husband is ';tied up at the moment';. they'll be so embarrassed they will never come back. if this fails answer the door nude.
Don't sweat the small stuff. Is it really worth the tension in your marriage? It could be so much worse. They'll probably stop once they think it no longer bothers you.
I know that can be frustrating but don't ever give him an ultimatum, i.e. they can't come over if they call blah blah blah. Maybe he has tried talking to them and they just don't understand. Maybe you should try talking to the family instead of having him do it. When they show up unnanounced make a small comment like I wish you would have called first so I would have had time to clean up, or it's always nice to see you but we have some other plans(or some variation so you make it clear to them--without being rude that it is uncomfortable when you do that). My grandma hates when people come over unnanounced, her favorite is to answer the door with her purse or act like she is just getting ready to leave--even if she is just in her slippers and say, oh I'm so sorry I only have a few minutes and I am rushing out the door to get my nails/hair w.e done. Maybe you can come by another time(and then suggest a time that works better.)
When you know they are coming run out on an errand. As they walk thru the door say you were just about to leave and leave. When they call from 2 blocks away tell them not to bother you arent there and then go out!! Even if its just to buy gas. And tell your husband that he's married to you. YOU are his family now and he should try to make your home happy before any where else. If this bothers you and he has no solution then he should at least try to go along with yours.
Them doing that is simple lack of respect.
When a person drops by unannounced they are simply saying that your privacy isnt their concern and you cant be doing anything that important. Dont nip it in the bud now they will be all up in your business in no time. Think you have problems now? Wait. Watch.
Approach your husband gently let him know that its important to you and it shouldnt matter why it is, he should support you nonetheless. Tell him you would really like him to have your back on this.
If ducking out on them doesnt work then I think a sit down is in order.
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